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one weeeeeeeek [25 Aug 2007|03:21pm]
[ mood | numb ]

alot has changed, and not alot has changed.  i don't know where to start.  the good thing is, i'm alot more excited about school than i was before. still got some nerves, but who wouldnt.  another good thing is i'm 18 now. mm yes, that's a very good thing.  my girls n i went to bahama breeze birthday eve, last time all of us were together, it was great. then my bday, got that new license so i don't have to freak out drivin home after midnight lol. then met up with karen, danielle, n kel which was fun. after that my mom n dad gave a couple gifts, then i headed to matt's. we went out for dinner, then he let me pick my gift. which is difficult for me cause i feel weird just handing someone something and saying, yeah get me this. but at least he knows he got me something i like that way.  overall it was a really nice day, which is what i wanted for my birthday, nothing extravagant.

later that night matt said something as a joke, that i took too seriously (leave it to me to make something out of nothing).  which somehow lead to the talk of what's going to happen when i go to school. i've been thinking about it constantly so i couldnt just wait til later, as much as it sucks it was still my birthday when it happened.  i can't really go into everything..i don't have the energy too. but he knows how i feel, i couldnt actually say the words i love him. it's too hard.  we're gonna keep seein eachother, staying in touch, and remaining friends. i couldn't not have him in my life. besides he really has become one of my closest friends.  i respect and admire him, there's really no ill feelings about the whole thing.  it's going to take time and be really hard to get over it.  it's not going to be easy. last night i was completely hysterical, i couldn't stop crying, i wanted too but i couldnt make it stop. we are still going to hang out next week because i couldn't just end things him seeing me like this. i didnt want that to be the last time i got to be close to him. when i hugged him i could hardly let go. so then i went to jenny's house cause i couldn't go home yet, and didnt feel like explaining. she gave me hugs and let me cry more. i got home around 2 am, slept til 7 then went to see christine & jer before they left school. i was already so emotionally exhausted i knew this was gonna suck. i couldn't really say much because it just felt unreal they were actually going.  i hugged christine for a straight maybe 5 minutes. she's so silly.  we let go and she was like "time to partyy" but her eyes were red and watering. but she never lets anyone see her get emotional. and i didnt want our last time together for awhile to be upsetting so i didn't cry...til later. then eventually i went home and tried to sleep.  the worst is when you're in bed just completely trying to sleep and not think at all, but your just alone and the tears spill out. i know it's good to get out a good cry sometimes..but i was just sick of it at this point. it's a miserable feeling.  it's around 3.30 now and just every now & then i find myself still crying. but i know once im away, things will get better and i won't be like this.  it's really hard right now..i hope this feeling goes away really soon.  i also have to remember to pray, because as much as i don't like other people to help me, i need God. i don't want to leave Him out of the picture, i want Him to know that i want that connection and want to be closer again. i'm gonna go get ready to see miss elaine with jenny.  i feel awful for her, both her daughters gone and no one else. she's so lonely.  but we'll have a good time, i love her. and she will like company.

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2:54 am [29 Jul 2007|02:54am]
i'm fucking everything up.  matt must seriously think i'm psychotic the way i get around him.  i'm not really like that..it's just this year has been so rough.  i'm not like this i swear. kdsjflksddsi why is this happening.  we were just hanging out it's 2.30 am so obv we're both a little tired.  i just wanted to know if he wanted me to stay or go..he says its up to you i don't care.  don't care? i hate that.  just tell me in the first place and it's no big deal.  so of course for it to be up to me, i pretty much have to say i'll go home. i'm just not the type of person to stay somewhere uninvited..i was almost raised that way i feel like.  all i wanted was him to want me to stay...i just want to feel like he wants me for a change instead of it always being so one sided.  he doesn't get how much i care about him..and leaving in a month now..ugh i just want to spend as much time with him as i can before i get kicked out of his life.  i just felt so stupid tonight..cause even after that i tried to apologize and it just came out so wrong.  it didnt make it any better.  fuck why i cant i just take back that last half hour, it would of been fine.  this time next month i don't what i'm going to be like.  all i know is that this 'emotional' phase is the biggest turn off ever.  the last thing i want is for him to want me gone.
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damn i forgot about this thing... [27 Jul 2007|01:15am]
[ mood | nauseated ]

it's been almost a year haha.  well seeing as how we are now into the wee hours of night, and it's gonna be one of those sleepless nights i might as well do this.  today was rough and there are more to come.  this college goin away nonsense is really gettin to me.  i mean it always was something i didn't want to talk about, but now it's like i don't even have a choice. i'm forced to talk about it all the time, and think about it all the time.  i never thought the time would actually come, where i actually leave.  just about a month now.  shit, one month.  i'm not even going far..but i just don't know if i'm ready for all this.  i know i'm ready to be out of the house and finally get some freedom..but there's so much i feel i'm leaving behind.  i know it's just a big turning point in my life, and it's inevitable and is gonna happen to everyone.  but i can't imagine leaving so much behind.  i don't want to refer to certain things as my past.  RVDT just came home from camp..i love & miss them so much.  i really thought i was ready to move on from that, but it was truly my biggest accomplishment in highschool..and it changed me drastically.  not only that, but Core too.  i wish i had more years to learn there..dancing there had really opened my eyes and that's where i finally realized what i wanted to do.  dance. obviously.  these things were my entire life.  in a nutshell - God, fam, friends, school, rvdt, core.  takin 1/2 those things out is unreal to me.  i know there will be new things to replace that, great things.  but i'm not ready for them yet..i had it good ya know.  when it was rough...it was hard as hell, but the good always outweighed the bad.  somewhere between dance camp and nationals...we all kind of wanted to die.  but  2 golden minutes on the nationals stage made it all go away. especially senior year..i never could have imagined that the love i felt for the team would grow so strong.  maybe i just felt it more cause i knew it was my last year. i have no idea.  i just can't get over that it's over. completely over. so many things.  

in one single year..i didn't know it was possible to change and grow this much as a person.  but man, have i changed.  it's not all good things, ah definitely not.  but there are some great things too that i'm glad i finally realized.  and then there are things...damn i just don't know.  i can tell you one thing, this time last year if you asked me if i could fall in love,  i would have said heeeeell no.  love? i don't think i'm capable of actually being in love until i'm well into my 20s.  what the fuck did i know?  apparently not a fuckin thing. i underestimated myself way too much. i didn't ask for this..i didn't want this.  as a matter of fact, many many months ago i was politely asked not to fall too hard for him.  and i promised i wouldn't.  not just to him, but myself.  then as time went on, knowing that matt was still in love with his ex after seeing me for so long completely tor me up.  i'm a smart girl, i know what's good for me.  so why couldn't i just get myself out of that?  that's where it all kinda start to hit me.  not that i loved him, just that there was something about him i didn't want to leave.  he's so special and i wish i knew what it was that intrigues me so much about him but i can't put my finger on it.  i was never able too..and i still can't.  honestly, it's the most frusterating thing..i didn't ask to feel this way about someone.  where did it come from? how did it happen?  more importantly, WHY.  why do i have to fall so hard for someone who doesn't feel the same way back?  it's not fair.  it's the most unfair thing i've ever felt.  i just always imagined my first time really loving someone, the person feeling the same way back.  it would be this glorious, warm, disgustly happy affection.  yeah, a lil exaggerated.  and don't get me wrong, i like the feeling of loving someone.  just to see them or listen to them talk makes you oddly happy? and at ease.  when me & matt are alone, i feel content.  don't even need to be doing anything.  there's no one else i'd rather do nothing with.  and when we do go out, or do somethin fun, it's that much more enjoyable to be with him.    BUT, it really messes me the fuck up to know that the feeling is one sided.  sometimes i'm so afraid it's gonna slip. hah it almost has.  we'll just be sayin goodnight or something and i just wanna be like "okay love you, bye."  lol that almost happened way to many times.  if it were so casually slipped in, i wonder if he'd notice? that's stupid though.  it's hardest when we're kissing.  i just want to smile at him and tell him and show him.  i could never do that though.  i can already see his reaction of blank nothingness.  and i'd immediately regret saying it and want to bang my head on the wall a hundred times over.  i mean once someone says it, and if the person doesn't say anything back..then it's pretty much over.  and that is the last thing i want.  oddly enough, matt was outside and i was in the kitchen with his dad and i was caught so off gaurd, but he actually asked me if i loved matt.  he probably just kiddin, teasin me or something.  but i was just so flustered..i was literally left speechless. i tried to say something but no words were able to get out.  i felt like an idiot.  i could have at least said something funny or..i don't even know.  it was so strange, i kept trying to get it out of my mind. i don't know what i said to him. i really don't have a clue. when did it get this bad.  why why why why did this happen now.  why did it happen to me. why was it him.  if he felt the same way back...this really wouldnt be a big deal.  i'd feel good about it.  but instead i feel sick about it.  i feel stupid loving someone who doesn't love me. but i wont say a damn thing.  the last thing i want is to fuck this up.  he makes me so happy, regardless of the mess i just wrote.  he really does.  and of course, that's why i love him.



i'm fucked.

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[21 Aug 2006|01:00pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

Vacation...so good.  Finally home, i missed alot apparently?  Mm..well there's still some time off til school starts except so many people are leaving for college this week it's ridiculous.  Ugh let's not even think about school.

Birthday week though! so that's pretty good.  Yeah it is going to be a good week..actually it's already started out pretty awesome hah =D

some reasons why i love north carolina



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freakin mono. [09 Aug 2006|11:20pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Ahh Aida is over.  But it was fabulousss.  The shows were amazing, along with the people and whole experience.  My summer wouldn't have been the same and no where near complete without them.  I miss it already.  I guess I should be grateful it ended when it did though, because the day after our last show i immediately get MONO.  No clue where that came from.  It's been my first week off from everything in forever and I had so much planned, but now I can't do any of it because I have to stay in and rest all day.  So I'm pretty much just bored out of my mind.  Today was good though, Matty brought me iced coffee and kept me company the whooole day.

I can't wait to get away for a week in North Carolina with my best friend. 2 DAYS it's going to be great.   =D
August 24th & 25th are also going to be fantasic as well.  Mm..I have much to look forward too.

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[29 Jul 2006|08:14pm]
Came home from dance camp a few days ago..my very last dance camp, which is good and bad I guess.  We did amazing though and got the GOLD in our team dance.  I can't believe how much we all cried between that and 'shower of praise'.  Rvdt 0607..it's gonna be a good year.


Aida's in less than a week already..it happened pretty fast.  The cast amazes me..they are all so talented, I never get tired of listening to them.
Yesterday was Christine's birthday :) so I went out to breakfast with her after she got her license and then went to the mall.  Thennn after rehearsal there was a party at Vicki's with some of the cast but Matty was having something at his house too and I wouldn't have been able to get to both.  Aka could my birthday come any slower?  I need to drive.  And go clubbing. yup.
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1:34 am [19 Jul 2006|01:33am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Well I decided it might be a good idea to make one of these..just for when I feel like talking about my day or anything else. It's simple and convinient, so why not? Except I'm starting to sound like a commercial so I'm going to stop..

Goodnight.

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