it's been almost a year haha. well seeing as how we are now into the wee hours of night, and it's gonna be one of those sleepless nights i might as well do this. today was rough and there are more to come. this college goin away nonsense is really gettin to me. i mean it always was something i didn't want to talk about, but now it's like i don't even have a choice. i'm forced to talk about it all the time, and think about it all the time. i never thought the time would actually come, where i actually leave. just about a month now. shit, one month. i'm not even going far..but i just don't know if i'm ready for all this. i know i'm ready to be out of the house and finally get some freedom..but there's so much i feel i'm leaving behind. i know it's just a big turning point in my life, and it's inevitable and is gonna happen to everyone. but i can't imagine leaving so much behind. i don't want to refer to certain things as my past. RVDT just came home from camp..i love & miss them so much. i really thought i was ready to move on from that, but it was truly my biggest accomplishment in highschool..and it changed me drastically. not only that, but Core too. i wish i had more years to learn there..dancing there had really opened my eyes and that's where i finally realized what i wanted to do. dance. obviously. these things were my entire life. in a nutshell - God, fam, friends, school, rvdt, core. takin 1/2 those things out is unreal to me. i know there will be new things to replace that, great things. but i'm not ready for them yet..i had it good ya know. when it was rough...it was hard as hell, but the good always outweighed the bad. somewhere between dance camp and nationals...we all kind of wanted to die. but 2 golden minutes on the nationals stage made it all go away. especially senior year..i never could have imagined that the love i felt for the team would grow so strong. maybe i just felt it more cause i knew it was my last year. i have no idea. i just can't get over that it's over. completely over. so many things.
in one single year..i didn't know it was possible to change and grow this much as a person. but man, have i changed. it's not all good things, ah definitely not. but there are some great things too that i'm glad i finally realized. and then there are things...damn i just don't know. i can tell you one thing, this time last year if you asked me if i could fall in love, i would have said heeeeell no. love? i don't think i'm capable of actually being in love until i'm well into my 20s. what the fuck did i know? apparently not a fuckin thing. i underestimated myself way too much. i didn't ask for this..i didn't want this. as a matter of fact, many many months ago i was politely asked not to fall too hard for him. and i promised i wouldn't. not just to him, but myself. then as time went on, knowing that matt was still in love with his ex after seeing me for so long completely tor me up. i'm a smart girl, i know what's good for me. so why couldn't i just get myself out of that? that's where it all kinda start to hit me. not that i loved him, just that there was something about him i didn't want to leave. he's so special and i wish i knew what it was that intrigues me so much about him but i can't put my finger on it. i was never able too..and i still can't. honestly, it's the most frusterating thing..i didn't ask to feel this way about someone. where did it come from? how did it happen? more importantly, WHY. why do i have to fall so hard for someone who doesn't feel the same way back? it's not fair. it's the most unfair thing i've ever felt. i just always imagined my first time really loving someone, the person feeling the same way back. it would be this glorious, warm, disgustly happy affection. yeah, a lil exaggerated. and don't get me wrong, i like the feeling of loving someone. just to see them or listen to them talk makes you oddly happy? and at ease. when me & matt are alone, i feel content. don't even need to be doing anything. there's no one else i'd rather do nothing with. and when we do go out, or do somethin fun, it's that much more enjoyable to be with him. BUT, it really messes me the fuck up to know that the feeling is one sided. sometimes i'm so afraid it's gonna slip. hah it almost has. we'll just be sayin goodnight or something and i just wanna be like "okay love you, bye." lol that almost happened way to many times. if it were so casually slipped in, i wonder if he'd notice? that's stupid though. it's hardest when we're kissing. i just want to smile at him and tell him and show him. i could never do that though. i can already see his reaction of blank nothingness. and i'd immediately regret saying it and want to bang my head on the wall a hundred times over. i mean once someone says it, and if the person doesn't say anything back..then it's pretty much over. and that is the last thing i want. oddly enough, matt was outside and i was in the kitchen with his dad and i was caught so off gaurd, but he actually asked me if i loved matt. he probably just kiddin, teasin me or something. but i was just so flustered..i was literally left speechless. i tried to say something but no words were able to get out. i felt like an idiot. i could have at least said something funny or..i don't even know. it was so strange, i kept trying to get it out of my mind. i don't know what i said to him. i really don't have a clue. when did it get this bad. why why why why did this happen now. why did it happen to me. why was it him. if he felt the same way back...this really wouldnt be a big deal. i'd feel good about it. but instead i feel sick about it. i feel stupid loving someone who doesn't love me. but i wont say a damn thing. the last thing i want is to fuck this up. he makes me so happy, regardless of the mess i just wrote. he really does. and of course, that's why i love him.